Have you ever felt like there was something more.  Something beyond what is normal.  I look at my life and thing how minuscule it is compare to the brothers that walked before me.  How luke warm I am in God's eyes.  I think of it like this, if my wife only came to me when she needed something, our only showed her love for others to see, how would that make me feel.  Or if she talked more about her in the relationship that being involved in a unity that unbreakable.  How is that different than what I live.  How am I being raticle change for God and God only, not to look better, not to feel better, not to obtain any blessing, but to just love him more.   And its not about reading my bible more or being at church more, but merely being with him.   In my life I tried to get closer so I sinned less so I would appear so evil, which that in itself is a sin.  I also got closer to try and make my life easier, but that theology fell short.  I now realize that the soul purpose for the bible, prayer, fasting, fellowship, worship, teacher, etc. is to merely love him more.  That's it. Not to learn cool stuff or get the willy's, but to love that which is love.  I wish my mind and body could match my Spirit, but even that battle is based on me.  How much I am willing to wreck my life of the things I falsely hold on to?  People want to know why the world looks so poorly on the "church" and sees them as either self righteous or just the same as them.  The reason the think that is because its true.  I am guilty of both sides of that complaint.  The hardest thing in life is to realize that its not your life.  By puffing up your life you have made yourself your god, but by living as the world you made the world your god.  What is right in this situation is love, love beyond judgement, love beyond shallow pleaures, and love beyond yourself.  Until we can reflect the love God Blesses us with it is impossible to become servants to the gospel.  Until be seek after God and his heart with the willingness to sacrifice everying we are and have for his sake, we are just wasting our time.  What you are holding back from the Father isn't only what you are holding back from God, but has become your God. 

God is raising up a nation that will match his heart.  He forming an army from the desperate and heart broken to lead a genation to restoration.  A group of people that is after God's face with one goal in mind,  love him past the point of recognition.  I want to be God's next Paul or Peter, out there giving everything because of one thing,  God's heart.  I want to be a part of the cry for God that shatters the 2000 year silience of purity in the Body.  I want to go beyond conforts that keeped me locked in societies rules.  I want to go beyond this earth and start taking back spiritual ground for the Kingdom in which I serve. I want to go beyond what I am and have been.

I have been crazy busy lately so I have had the opportunity to write in this thing.  A lot has happened in that time.  I official put the red old's to rest.  That was a grand well spent.  Luckily my parents are smarter that I because they kept there cavalier in case my car bit the dust, which it did.  I met my ex-fiance tonight so I could get back some of my stuff.  That was a fun experience.  I am frighten for her because she is still in the same state as when we broke up.  Her attitude has remain steady which lets me know that she is denying any fault in our relationship.   It was some what frustrating but at the same time I felt sorry for her, she is in this self woven deception that if began to unwind it would unravel her self image.  But that is in the past and I have moved on and tonight was a reminder how good that move is.  I also went on a retreat last weekend with First Friends youth group.  It was a blast, we basically hiked the entire weekend  and I got to know a few people better.  On the way up I chugged a 32 oz MT. Dew to try and stay up.  That came back to haunt me.   It wasn't only the dew that hit me, but the 96 oz of water I drink on a daily basis at work.  Long story short I had to pull a Dumb and Dumber.  I pulled over to shoulder of the highway and refilled the empty dew bottle, one and half times(and yes it really does sting).  The rest of the weekend went a whole lot smoother.  We got to Indiana Jones it up a muddy hill with a 70 degree incline.  I had to leave early to make it back for small groups at FCC.  My friend Jovan need to get stuff done that day so I had some company on the way back.  We had a nice conversation on the way to her car and FFC.  On my 3 mile trek from FFC to FCC I got pulled over by a cop.  He asked to see my licence which I didn't have so I have him my social security number.  He ask if I new how fast I was going, I replied I don't know I was listen to music and got carried away.  He explained that he could have guessed because I didn't stop when I heard his sirens.  He then let me know I was going 55 in a 35.  After sitting in his car for a little while he told me that I was going to given a warning and to get me licence and watch my speed.  I was ecstatic! 

At work I also received some great news.  I am going to be hired in as a Timken employee instead of an Adecco temp.  This is HUGE!!  I get a big raise and benefits.  This weekend should be a blast as well.  I get to go to see the Browns game, which is always a good time.   The next weekend will be ten times better however.   My friend is getting married and my other friend is coming to down to go to the wedding as well.  It should be fun, I have haven't hung out with her in a while and it seems that her heart is become more and more transformed to God's.  It is nice to see her life being drawn closer to where life springs from.  I can't wait just to be able to hold a conversation where I don't have to type every word.  Whelp that is the latest and greatest in what is going on with my life. My life is amazing right now and I am thankful for every part of it!

Its been a while since I wrote my last blog.  I have been crazy busy.  Monday I had practice, Tuesday I played for church and then today I played for club Oasis.  Tomorrow night will be my first full night at home and I have to pack for the retreat this weekend.  I am going on the retreat with first friends.  I  am really looking forward to it, I haven't had an opportunity to focus on God for a whole weekend in a while.  I really need to recharge my batteries so to speak.  I have awesome times with God, but there is something to be said for designating a few days to center yourself on the center of your life.  It has been been a good but stressful week.  I will hopefully have some pictures of the trip up on my xanga afterward. I think this is the shortest blog since my first, oh well its over now.

It was my birthday this weekend and man was it fun.  I got a nice hunk of cash, which I already know how I'm going to spend.  IPod and two Browns tickets.  The next step is finding someone to go with, but I am sure that won't be a problem.  I can't wait to get my ipod from big tall Paul.  It will be nice not having to cart 200 cd's with me everywhere I go.  The sad part is that not an exaggeration.  My car also died this week, moment of silence for the red beauty...(moment of silence).   Our cat has fallowed suit with the New England defensive backfield by braking her toe jumping off of cowley's lap.  It is sad but somewhat amusing to see her in a cast, I thought about signing it, but then cowley would put me in a cast to matching.  Besides that my life has been pretty tame, I had some good God time this week.  We discussed a lot of whats been on my mind lately: the real vision for what marriage is.  What a Godly wife will like like and what a Godly husband should be formed into.  Lets be honest, this isn't something that is going to be stumbled into.  I want to be more aware of what God's heart beats for in the greatest representation between two humans.  I don't know if its because everyone around me is getting married or this is what God has implanted in me for my future, but the topic is nagging at my hear;.  a call for purity in ever sense of the relationship.  Not just sex as those who are married seem to focus on, so struggle with, but in actions.  Purity in the sense of acting according to the nature that God is planting in the souls of His children.  God has been reminding me what His daughters look like.  How the act, what they are attracted to, where they invest themselves.  Looking on what they value in a relationship, because if it isn't pure it isn't what God is looking for.  We also have been discussing what I am attracted to.  Am I still blinded by the illusion of looks or can I see the real beauty that is Christ surrounding their being.  It is important to be attracted to someone, but attraction can come from so much more that a pretty smile.  God and I have been going over the general make up of a daughter of Christ, which ultimately is the heart.  God has urged me not to look at the exterior at all and look at the heart of a person.  Right now I am more than complete with Him and am ready to move as a kite where ever his wind might take me.  That is something I must say is something that has taken a while to gain again.